I suddenly and without warning realize I love you!
by SoLungFish
Summary: Cop-Out: n. the act of getting out of a previous storyline through acts such as a)going back in time, b)dream sequence, and c)magic memory charms Ex. Stories in which Hermione is pursued by her non-existant lesbian step-sister and dyes her blonde hair.
1. We Meet the Laws of Space and Time

**A note to my lovely readers:** If you want drama, well, sorry, this is a parody of all those Draco-Hermione fics, which I, too, have written. I'm sorry if anything should prove to offend you, you have my apologies. However, I'll save you the time and effort of reviewing to tell me how offended you were by replying now: Bite Me. Everyone else, enjoy!****  
  
One bright, sunny day, Hermione Granger woke up and decided to be in love with her academic rival and heretofore enemy: Draco Malfoy.  
  
With a sweep of the author's pen, all of Hermione's feminist intelligence and common sense was blown away, and she pulled out a picture of Draco Malfoy—she kept a picture of every boy in her year and of some of the better looking ones in years above her for just such a purpose—she pulled out a picture of the platinum blonde and swooned over it in a thoroughly disgusting manner. She sat up in bed in her pink, fluffy pajamas (because we suddenly care what Hermione wears to bed), flicked her hair out of her eyes, and stared lovingly into the eyes of Draco Malfoy, ignoring the fact that he has eyes like a fish's.  
  
"Oh Draco," she crooned, "I suddenly realized I love you, and have forgiven all the times you've called me names/pulled my hair/made me cry/grossed me out. Even though you are obviously not here, I will beat my chest and call your name in the manner of a wild-woman. Draaaaaaco....!" And she proceeded to do so.

* * *

Now, through some amazing form of magic which goes completely unexplained and thoroughly ignored by the author except to explain that it is magic, Draco heard Hermione's use of apostrophe from Goodness-only-knows how many miles away. He awakened, and decided he, too, was in love with her.  
  
Pulling a picture out of his pornography-filled bedside table, he stared into the eyes of his unexpected one-true-love. "Oh, Hermione," he sighed, "Hermione, Hermione..." The author simpers over what she probably believes to be wildly romantic dialogue while the readers merely vomit and complain that Draco is out of character, the Bastard.  
  
Suddenly-- avoiding all the laws of Space and Time and ignoring any action in our two star-crossed lovers' lives-- it became September 1, also known as 'Time to Board Hogwarts Express'.

* * *

On this dark and dreary morning, Hermione bounced out of bed filled with happiness. The readers soon found that their beloved, bushy-haired Hermione had turned—over night—into a blonde with ample breasts, sleek hair, green eyes, and five-percent body fat.  
  
Pulling on a black tank top and faded jeans with holes in the knees [A.N. 1- read most fanfics in which Hermione makes a stunning transformation into Barbie, you'll find this is what she ends up wearing.] Hermione bound down the stairs in the manner of a herd of elephants.  
  
"Papa!" She squealed excitedly, as though having never seen him before, "Where's mum?"  
  
Mr. Granger looked in surprise to his daughter, wondering where Mrs. Granger was. "She's dead!" the author hisses. "Yes, that's it! Hermione, dear, your mother died...many years ago...remember?"  
  
"Oh yeah." Hermione continued merrily eating her pancakes whilst her father had a silent coronary trying to remember the rest of his lines.  
  
"School starts today." He offered, unhelpfully.  
  
"Yeah, it must be time to go!" And with that, Hermione suddenly appeared at King's Cross, without her father but with all of her luggage and cat. She grinned happily, ignoring the laws of space and time.

* * *

Draco stepped silently down his marble stairs and grinned at his mother, and nodded to his father. His father was abusive to both Draco and his mother, but Narcissa was a sweet old soul who acted downright cruel while around other people. Like Lucius. "Draco!" Lucius Malfoy roared, "Isn't it time for you to board your train?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Yeah? You NEVER say 'yeah' to your father, is that clear?"  
  
"Yes, father."  
  
"Lucius, do stay calm."  
  
"Don't tell me what to do, woman!" And with that, Narcissa disappeared, not to be heard from again. Draco, however, was scowled at while they rode to King's Cross, ignoring the fact that they both owned broomsticks.  
  
(Watch for Updates!)  
  
**Disclaimer:** None of the preceding was owned by the author, except for the atrocious story line. All of the characters belong to the lovely J.K. Rowling, who will not sue my worthless ass for making a mockery of her characters, as I am but a poor high-school student. (Note: To be technical, I did not mock her characters. Every single person who decided Hermione was Barbie did. Also, I really like the horizontal lines, forgive me**.) **


	2. In Which the Laws of Space and Time are ...

**

* * *

A/N: **I think my style changes every time I sit down to write this chapter, thus resulting in many failed attempts to continue along the same line as my previous one. Oh well. Read it anyway, and let me know what you think.

If you have a problem with it, tell me face to face! I can take it, I'm a big girl. And then I'll take you—I know how to shoot a gun.

. Love you guys!

**Disclaimer: See previous entry**

* * *

**Mascara, Eyeliner, and Large Pointy Breasts**

Hermione was cheerfully swinging her instantly long, tan legs when her two best friends came racing up to her.

"Hermione, Hi! Wow, have you grown!" Ron raced anxiously up to her, panting in the manner of a small puppy. Harry trailed behind.

"Hello Hermione, I have now decided that your name will vary between Mya, Mione, Hermy, Mia, Mona, and Jane. My life sucks."

"Oh! Poor Harry!" Hermione/Mya/Mione/Hermy/Mia/Mona/Jane pointed her overly large breasts in his general direction and simpered horribly, "Tell me about it!"

"Well, Voldemort is after me. I know he's after a lot of other people too, but he really _hates _me...and the Slytherins hate me, and this morning there weren't any bananas for me to put in my Cheerios..."

The author took a moment to describe Harry to the readers. This is necessary, because he is no longer the Harry Potter we know and maybe even Love. He was Goth, and was wearing baggy black pants, a Slipknot shirt, oodles of eyeliner, mascara, various bracelets, chokers, rings, black finger nail polish, combat boots, and white face-paint. He was no longer the skinny, scrawny, short boy that we left only a book ago. Now he was suddenly six feet tall and strong as an ox. All of this was accomplished through Quidditch training, despite the fact that that would require flying—which he could not do at the Dursleys'—and the fact that it takes no effort to fly.

"To summarize over dramatically so that everyone will feel sorry for me, everybody hates me."

A loud sighing noise was heard: it was the voices of hundreds of angst-ridden teenage girls feeling sorry for Harry.

"I'm poor." Ron piped up, "I have hand-me-down everything. I have to contend for attention with five older brothers and a younger sister. But that is okay, the author can go on for pages and pages describing Harry's eyeliner in detail and completely ignore me, it's fine!"

There was a silence—this was the sound of a key character being ignored.

Harry was gawking over Hermione's plethora of bodily changes, and the Laws of Time and Space were consoling Ron over being ignored (it's not so bad, after a while, you can eat all the chocolate truffles you like!) when Draco Malfoy decided to talk to Hermione—a hitherto unheard of action. So he snuck up behind her.

"Hermione," he began, in a thoroughly pathetic manner, "I have suddenly and without warning realized I am in love with you!"

"How coincidental!" Replied our blonde-bimbo heroine, turning around and not all surprised to see him there--she had randomly gotten powers of precognition, "For I have suddenly and without warning realized I love you as well!"

"Wait!" Harry popped up, greatly annoyed. Then, realizing Goths were not allowed to use exclamation points in anything aside from angsty rantings, he said in a morose tone, "wait."

"Oh Harry!" Hermione exclaimed, tears coursing down her face, "Why can't you support my new found love for our thus far mortal enemy? I cannot believe you would call me a traitor for this!" Sobbing hysterically, she raced onto the train, allowing the Laws of Space and Time to carry her luggage aboard.

"Hermione/Mya/Mione/Hermy/Mia/Mona/Jane!" Harry called, "Wait! We skipped the part where I accused you of turning your back on us!"

"And the part where I profess my undying love for you!" Ron yelled, "Also, the part where I got to hit Malfoy!"

"Oh, just get on the train!" The Laws of Space and Time hissed out of the train window, "We'll just take it from the beginning of Scene Three!"

* * *

**A/N: I'm sorry.**


	3. In Which Alfonso Cuaron Destroys The 'Pl...

**Song Taken From Tommy Dorsey and His Orchestra, "Oh! Look at Me Now!" Sorry, guys, I don't feel very funny tonight...**

**Disclaimer: **Is this really necessary? Yes. Nothing is mine. If it were, I would tear my hair out. Honestly, people, since when does Malfoy sing?!

Harry rounded on Hermione angrily and...

--------------Section Cut Out By Alfonso Cuaron to make room for snogging----------------

"And...and it was just..._horrible!"_ Hermione sobbed into Draco's shirt, "How could someone I spent most of my school career with call me a traitor for wanting to follow my heart? Oh, Draco..."

Draco patted Hermione's back as she cried against his shoulder. They were on the train, on their way to Hogwarts, in a compartment all by themselves.

As he watched Hermione's pretty tan neck heaving with phlegm from crying, pointy teeth suddenly peeked out from his gum line as if to say, "Here we are!"

"WAIT!" The Laws of Space and Time cried out in anguish, "WHEN did Malfoy become a vampire? WHERE DID THOSE TEETH COME FROM?! HOW can he be outside in the sunlight if...mmph!" The Laws of Space and Time promptly shut up, as Ron covered it's mouth and hissed, "Ssh! The author forgot to pen in a story about him becoming a vampire!"

* * *

In the meantime, Harry was plodding around, despairing that nobody loved him, wondering why it was that he was so upset over Hermione and Draco. 

_oh sure,_ he thought bitterly to himself as he applied more mascara in the bathroom and touched up his lipstick, _he's my worst enemy, shes one of my best friends...but why should i be so upset over this? maybe i'm gay..._

Harry stopped with his mouth hanging open, lipstick a mere centimeter away from his lips. Of course! What better way to add to his gothic outcast-ness?! He wouldn't be straight, or even bisexual, he would be _gay! _

Puckering up, he looked at himself in the mirror and made the shape of a clawed hand. He smirked flirtatiously and morosely said, "meow."

_bwahahahaha..._he frowned happily at the mirror, _this is going to be quite terrible..._

* * *

"I must tell you something very important about your heritage, Hermione, you see, you once belonged to a-"

-----------------Section Deleted by Cuaron to make room for more snogging-----------------

"Oh Draco," Hermione sighed, looking deep into his eyes, "Please, tell me how you came to know you loved me..."

"It happened suddenly...and without warning..."

"Oh, _really?_" Hermione batted her gargantuan black eyelashes and sighed heavily. Ron stared pointedly at her chest.

"Yes. I woke up one morning, and suddenly and without warning realized I loved you!"

"Oh Draco!"

"It changed me...you see... **'I'm not the guy who cared about love   
And I'm not the guy who cared about fortunes and such   
Never cared much...'"**

**"'Oh, look at you now!'"**

**"'I never knew the technique of kissing'   
I never knew the thrill I could get from your touch   
Never know much'"**

**"'Oh, look at you now!**

**You're a new man, better than   
Casanova at his best'"**

Ron clapped his hands over his ears and shrieked, "AUGH! Make it stop! I. Can't. Take. _More._ Tommy. Dorsey."

"Oh Ron! Why are you _never_ supportive of _anything_ I do?" And Hermione descended into tears.

There was a dark chill creeping into the room while Hermione sobbed, ample breasts heaving. And then, All of a sudden, something crucial and vital Happened! Unfortunately we will never know what. The scene is lying on the floor of Alfonso Cuaron's chopping room.

----------------------Scene Deleted For Pointless Snogging------------------------


	4. In Which Crookshanks is Ignored

**A/N to the reader, Hi! How's your cat doing?: **So, this is a short chapter to tide you over while FanFiction does it's thang...HAHAHAH! This is a chapter just as long as my others, because I am bored. You'll notice it's a tad more...risque than my others...and anyone who finds the Monty Python reference gets a prize!

**Disclaimer: **Nothing is mine except Damien and the 'plot' (hahahahaha). I'm sure J.K. Rowling is thanking her lucky stars for this. Alfonso Cuaron's Lawyer: Bite Me.

**Well, _Something _is Hard**

* * *

Harry sullenly nanced off the train. 

_this isn't so good, _he happily complained, _and soon everyone will be talking about how different i am from them. but how will i let them know im gay?_

He thought a long time on this, and the author took a moment to think it through...

::pink!::

Suddenly, a tall, buff, decidedly sex-ay boy appeared next Harry with a quick scribble by the author's pen. Harry ignored Neville Longbottom and Colin Creevey—all of whom were known homosexuals—in favour of this boy he had never met before.

"hello. i am harry potter, and i am a morose gay boy with suicidal tendencies. i listen to emo-'punk' bands like good charlotte, simple plan, and slipknot. who are you sexy?" he intoned wretchedly.

"I am...my name is...uuuuuhhh...."

"Damien!" the author hissed.

"Damien. Yes. That is my name. That has been my name for a very long time. I am called by it. Yes."

"what's your surname?"

"Uh..."

"SHIT!"

"Damien Shit."

"NOOOOO!" the author cried, having only been cursing due to her f'ed up computer.

"terrible to meet you damien shit. i hope we become great enemies." Harry said dejectedly, fingering the material of Damien's leather pants.

Damien gulped, "But I'm not..."

"Yes you are!"

"Oh...Hey Harry," he giggled flirtatiously, "the pleasure is _all _mine..." he winked. Harry frowned—plans were moving on wonderfully.

* * *

"Oh Hermione!" Draco sighed, placing his hands fully on her breasts and squeezing a little, "It will be so hard, all of our friends will be intensely displeased..."

"Well, _something _is hard, but our friends will eventually get over it..." Hermione winked.

There was a pause, during which Hermione and Malfoy snuggled, kissed each other, _Eskimo _kissed each other, and grabbed each other's asses.

"Come to think of it, Crabbe and Goyle should be along any moment now."

There was nothing.

Draco cleared his throat.

"ANY MOMENT NOW."

"Oh, terribly sorry!" Crabbe said while he and Goyle quickly smoothed down the fronts of their robes, "we got a bit distracted."

"Yeah...umh...oh! Draco!" he gasped, "What are you doing with that..._mudblood?!"_

"You guys, I am in love with Hermione. I want to grow up and have itty bitty children and dogs with her."

"EUW!"

Their was a long, "AWWWWWWWW!" It was the sound of a thousand teenage girls cooing.

There was a short, "Hyurk!" It was the sound of an ignored Crookshanks coughing up a hairball.

* * *

**A/N to the Reader 2: **Did you find the Monty Python reference? No? Good, I didn't put any in! Hahahahahaha.... 


	5. Coffee Stains and Imminent Danger

**A/N: **I know I am a terrible, terrible person, and I am sorry this took so long. Homework and relationship problems had me spiraling to a mood of Not Funny and Not About to Be Playful Until I get Revenge.

**Disclaimer: **As always, only Damien belongs to me. The rest belongs to the ever wonderful J.K. Rowling. Dedicated to my Muse, my Inspiration: Alfonso "Teenagers have orgies" Cuaron. I have long admired your ability to transform a book from a beautiful work of literary art to a smutty, soap-opera-esque hormone fest. I'll never be able to do it as wonderfully as you!

* * *

And Now…

**Dumbledore makes a speech, or Damien Exposed! or The Tale of the Persian Rug**

* * *

"…And now comes the part of my speech when I like to warn you all of imminent danger: There is imminent danger. A powerful, beautiful, smart, talented, and all-around-wonderful witch will save us. All the same, there is imminent danger. Speaking of which, Hello, Miss Granger! Now, you may eat."

Dumbledore sat down and Neville clapped enthusiastically. He was the only one. He continued clapping, illustrating his stupidity, and promptly tipped pumpkin juice on himself.

Hermione sighed.

"Oh Draco! What will I do without your face? Without your breath? Without your sweet, sugary kisses even though we have only been speaking for two days?! Oh woe is me! Woe, WOE!" She fell into a fit of tears, which slithered sneakily down to her bosom, which was clothed in a black tee-shirt that was tight, but not _too _skanky, as you could only see one nipple, not two.

With this the author embarked on a two page description of Hermione's shirt and the way it clung artfully to each breast, exposing her stuffed-looking wonder to the benefit of many adolescent boys.

"Wait!" cried Dumbledore, leaping from his seat at Hermione's anguish, "I forgot, this year's Head Boy and Girl are Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger, who will be sharing a common room and have their own dormitories with a King sized bed each, a bathroom, and kinky sex toys."

Hermione squealed in Malibu-Barbie glee—oh, the happiness!

"Also, we have an American Exchange student from Nevada, even though no one in this room knows where Nevada is and we have never accepted transfers before. Please welcome Damien Shit!"

The Great Hall clapped on cue, Harry sadly ran his hand up Damien's leathered thigh.

"Damien is gay, I believe?"

The students burst out into excited chatter, Damien sighed, and Harry morosely stood up and shouted, "i'm gay too. i love the penis." A few people laughed, no one else heard him.

* * *

Suddenly, while the Laws of Space and Time took a light nap, Hermione and Draky-poo suddenly appeared in their common room.

It was a delightful blend between Gryffindor and Slytherin, the other houses not being worthy of representation. There was a fireplace in the front of the room with a golden heart and green etchings in the metal, with exactly 48 diamonds in it to let the heat out. The rug on the floor was Persian, bought at Woolworths, with a 5 quatrillion thread count and a coffee stain the size of a penny on it in the upper-right corner. There was a scarlet and silver vase in the middle of a mahogany table with gold trim and four legs, and this was flanked by two candles, one Green, one Gold. There was a couch with three medium sized, fluffy cushions on it, _just _the right size for one person to lie length-wise, two width wise.

With this the author embarked on a journey of discovery of the rooms. The Laws of Space and Time tried to throw her off a cliff, and in retaliation she ignored them, sending Draco and Hermione to bed with no Incident or Explanation, while the Laws of Space and Time sat quietly on the sofa and sobbed.

**Fin.**

**

* * *

****A/N2: **I'm writing chappie 6, don't be disheartened, loyal fans! I hope it will be better. 

I'm sorry.


	6. In Which We Are Confuzzled

**A/N: **So...tired...here's a chapter, I hope it is better than the last, and I hope more people review this time!

**Disclaimer: **I am not J.K. Rowling, nor am I making any money. In fact, I still get pocket money. So if you are looking for money, get fat and sue McDonalds. If you are looking for repeated-not-so-subtle innuendo, read on!

Oh! Special Thanks to Kyra4--who is fabulous and suggested a good deal of stuff I decided to incorporate. Dood...I hate Cuaron too, man...that was tragic... Look, folks, you review, you suggest, you get what you ask for . That's me! The Fanfiction Whore...

* * *

**-:-Penis!-:-**

Harry gloomily bounded out of bed.

_hmm..._he thought miserably, _damien is still asleep…how horrible…_

He disconsolately snuck over to Damien's bed and peered at his sex-ay face.

_bwahaha…dreadful…when the other boys wake up and find me in bed with damien, it will be all over school in days…_

Frowning harder than he ever had before, Harry whipped off his pajama shirt to reveal a sculpted, muscular, white-painted chest—because Quidditch is _so _good for one's chest—and peeled back the covers…

* * *

Hermione woke up feeling refreshed, rejuvenated, and ready to start school. 

In a flurry of motion the eye cannot follow, she suddenly dyed her hair to a dark auburn!

"**Wait!**" The Laws of Space and Time called from its poker game with Incident and Explanation, "It takes _time _to dye one's hair! Longer than—"

"Actually," said Explanation, "She is such a powerful witch that she can do wand-less self-transfiguration."

"When did that—"

"Last summer. Ante up."

* * *

Hermione flung her black lace lingerie from her well-endowed body, grabbed a towel, and ran to the bathroom, where she started a shower in the palatial bathroom. It was silver with scarlet trim, and had two toilets—one with scented water—a double sink with a vanity mirror, a bath-tub as large as a lake, and a shower stall with rosewater and bubble jets. 

She sighed happily as steam began to fill the bathroom and started singing.

* * *

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!" Harry screamed as he peeled back the covers and saw a blonde and decidedly female head lying on Damien's chest. Then, remembering that exclamation points are against the rules and capital letters would get him banished, he changed his scream to an indignant, "ahhhhhh." 

Damien sleepily opened his eyes as the blonde girl's head jolted up, "Hey Harry, what's up?"

Harry's eye twitched, "i thought you loved me are you hetero?"

Damien laughed, "Well, d—"

The author hissed from the wings, "No you are _not!_"

"Oh Harry, of course I'm not hetero! How disgusting! Oh no, I am definitely a fan of the penis. Jenny is only here because…umh…because…"

"I'm Hermione's long lost sister."

_hmmm…_thought Harry, _that's different…

* * *

_

Draco woke up with his teeth pointing out.

Cursing, he made them come back in—no one could know he was a vampire! No one!

As he picked up his towel a fresh change of clothes, he thought about his abused childhood—constantly hit…slapped around…a tiny tear ran down his face and he brushed it away—Malfoys don't cry.

There was a loud, "AWWWWWWWW!" It was the sound of millions of teenage girls offering Malfoy their virginity.

As he came to the bathroom, Draco could see the steam pouring out from under the door and decided to wait for Hermione to come out of the bathroom before showering.

"No!" Hissed the author, "Go in!"

Draco looked shocked, "No! That's rude!"

Then Little Draco said, "So?"

"She'd be mortified!"

"She'd be naked."

"She'd never speak to me again!"

"She'd be naked."

"What if she started crying?"

"She'd still be naked." Little Draco gave Draco a hard poke, "And she might cry on your shoulder…naked."

"All right, I can't disagree with you. In I go."

And with that he opened the bathroom door to a very interesting scene…

* * *

Well, I hope you all enjoyed that . Review, my pretties! And maybe I'll put in a crossover...just no Lord Of the Rings... 


	7. Our Characters Take a Coffee Break

**A Short and Sirius Interlude**

"Hello Kids, you all know me, I'm Sirius Black—the Escaped, Wrongfully Accused Convict...deceased.

Today I am here to talk about a very sirius issue, one which touches the life of millions.

Discrimination against those such as myself—dead homosexuals.

Haha, just kidding! See? _That _was funny. You should have seen your faces. The look went something like this "O.o"….well actually more like this: "O.O" Hang on…let me try again…"

"Will you _please _get to the point?!"

"Oh, yes, sorry Harry. Nice snogging there, by the way. Damien looks like he's really enjoying himself. Right, on with it. Now, folks, it's time to be Sirius. You see, my little jokes are funny, and this parody is also meant to be funny. But what's _not_ funny--apart from Miracle Whip--is poor grammar in reviews. Okay, I take that back, poor grammar is perfectly permissible in reviews, spelling perfectly simple words wrong, on the other hand, is not.

Children, you _Flame _people, you do not "Flamm" them.

This is not a humourous situation, I won't lie to you. It's quickly becoming a pandemic.

You know what else isn't funny? All these jokes people make about me. 'Oo! Look at Sirius Black!' They say, 'He's dead and gay and shagging Remus Lupin! Let's try to bury him in the warm, moist dirt! He's dead, _he _won't notice the worms!' Well guess what? I _do _notice the worms! And it hurts something feckin' awful to have one crawl up your a—"

* * *

The **S**ociety for the **H**umane **T**reatment of **D**ead **H**omosexuals would like to give sirius thanks to Sirius Black for his contributions.**

* * *

****A/N: **I don't mind flames, but I cannot _stand _to be "flammed". Have a good day, and Merci Beaucoup to everyone who reviewed!I don't mind flames, but I cannot to be "flammed". Have a good day, and Merci Beaucoup to everyone who reviewed! 

I promise, I am going to start work on Chapter 7.

No, the Persian Rug is _not _for sale. Her name is Evie, and she's very upset that you would even think of buying her like some common mat. The mystery that is the coffee stain will be explained…eventually.


	8. And Now For Something Completely Differe...

**A/N: **This Chapter is even weirder. But when I get home tonight, I had better see more review alerts in my inbox than I know what to do with, or else I am not writing anymore!  
Hehe, I am so mean. Really, though, please, please please update. It's the only thing that makes my life worth living. :dramatic sigh:

**Disclaimer: **Sirius says, "This is a parody, you weird-os! Leave the author alone. She didn't write Harry Potter, but she can damn well twist the characters to make them do what she wants! And if they want to do me, well, rotting flesh doesn't taste all that b—"

* * *

**-:-The Cross-Over Emerges-:-**

* * *

"AH!" screamed a blonde girl inside the bathroom, "VAMPIRE!"

"AH!" screamed Draco, "VAMPIRE SLAYER!"

:thunk:

* * *

And now for something completely different: The Life of Ginny Weasley. 

"Angst! Sorrow! When will Harry love me?!" :slash:

:bleed bleed bleed:

* * *

And Now Back to our Programme. 

"Dracooo….Draaaaacoooo….wake up my little Ferret…"Hermione cooed sickeningly over Draco.

"Ugh…I feel like I was hit by a brick on wheels…"

"Actually, you passed out, my sweet honey-munchkins. But worry not! I will protect you! How do you know my sister, anyways?"

"_She's _your _sister?!"_

:thunk:

"Dammit, why does he keep doing that?"

* * *

"move over" 

"No! This is my bed, get out!"

"we're lovers and im sad and dean and seamus aren't up yet so spoon me and then everyone can know because we don't want anyone to find out"

A short wrestling match ensued and all of a sudden…

"oomph you're suffocating me get off"

"Not until you promise to up!"

_being gay isn't working out as badly as i refused to hope. _"all right all right"

"Oh my God! HARRY!"

"You're _gay?!_"

"yes i didn't want anyone to know i guess you found out damien and i are lovers"

_Where'd that hot blonde girl go?_

* * *

"Your sister is a Vampire Slayer?" 

"_The _Vampire Slayer, you idiot."

"Buffy…please…yes, Draco, my sister is the Vampire Slayer."

"Goddammit!"

The Laws of Space and Time snuck in with Incident and Explanation behind him.

"Draco, tell me the truth, are you a Vampire?"

"Yes!" Shouted Explanation, "He became one over the summer when he went out with a hmmphwenfna :gurgle:" and with that, Draco drowned Explanation.

"I have to kill him."

"_What?!_"

"I have to kill him."

"Why?"

"He's a Vampire."

"That's stupid! He's MY vampire!"

"Look, he's _a _vampire, and I have to kill vampires. So _give me my vampire!_"

Draco calmly snuck out as Buffy pulled Hermione's hair, wondering when she had become a brunette.

* * *

"He's gay!" 

"What?"

"Yep, Harry Potter the boy who lived is about as straight as the Mississippi!"

"Where's the Mississippi?"

"What is the Mississippi?"

"A river in America."

"You're not American!"

"Never mind, he's GAY as a RAINBOW!"

"What?!" shrieked Ginny Weasley in agony, "He's _GAY?! _Now he'll _never _love me!"

There was a splash, it was the sound of Ginny Weasley drowning her sorrows in a bowl of soggy wheat-a-bix.

* * *

"Dammit, you let my Vampire escape!" 

"He's the love of _my _Life!"

"Look, girls, I would never have written a cross-over if I knew you two were going to fight!" the Author barked.

"Well, we're sisters, what do you expect?"

"Do those boys still think my name is Jenny?"

"Yes, and you have a good point. Okay, from here on out, Buffy: you're actually a lesbian and you're trying to seduce Hermione. Sound good?"

"EUW!"

"Do it!"

"Ulk."

**

* * *

****A/N:** I'm sorry guys, I really really am. I know it's horrible, but I read a fiction where this happened. I hadn't actually planned on this—because I hadn't planned, Incident and Explanation pissed me off so I ignored their pleas. Let me know if the femme slash ends up going a bit too far. 

For all you anti-Homosexuals out there who emailed me—well, two—bad news, guys. The terror alert has been raised to Rainbow: there are Gays everywhere.

Can't you just all learn to be tolerant?

And for the record, I have a boyfriend. Don't make accusations, or I'll sic Sirius on you.


	9. Quick Scene Changes a la Charlie Brown

**A/N: **Hello again. I'm back: go see my other fic—A Forbidden Love—for details. (If you want to know what A Forbidden Love is about...it's basically what I am parodying, but _serious. _Scary, eh?)

**Disclaimer **If I owned Harry Potter, Ron _would _have followed the butterflies.

**

* * *

****Insert Clever Title Here**

Draco Malfoy—King of the School—was pacing his kingdom, looking for a way out of this.

"I can't kill her—she's Hermione's sister. I can't let _her _kill _me_, because then where will all the fine ladies get their dose of lovin'? Hmmm..."

* * *

"Pansy!" 

"Hunh? Who are you?"

A petite blonde girl with a big wooden stick beckoned to Pansy.

Pansy—not having been taught not to talk to strangers—trotted anxiously over like a pug.

"Pansy, my name is Buffy, I am here to seduce Hermione. You must seduce Draco. Do you think you can do that?"

"Mmkay."

"Good girl, biscuit for you."

* * *

"Harry." 

"yes ginny what can me and my gay lover unhappily help you with?"

"Harry...I want to show you something."

Damien and Harry looked at Ginny curiously, with their pinkies interlocked.

Gulping, Ginny whipped off her robes.

"...wow..."

* * *

"Ron?" 

"Yes?"

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Following the butterflies!"

* * *

Hermione walked away from her best red-headed boyfriend but not boyfriend in _that _way slightly confused. She walked away, straight into Buffy! 

"Hello Sister."

"_Step-_sister. Vital difference."

Hermione looked up at her step-sister—sent away at an early age to live with her mother—and gulped. Here was her big sister, her big, scary sister, and she had a big, pointy stick.

Not the same kind of big, pointy stick as Draco, of course.

Buffy sighed. _Guess I better get on with it, then._

Draco arrived at the last possible minute—because that is how it _always _works in Romances—and just in time to see the taller blonde lean into his pretty, big-big-_big _breasted Hermione to kiss her.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He cried in anguish, "STOOOOOP!"

* * *

"Draco!" Gasped the bubbly bimbo, "Little Draco! I am so happy to see you!" 

"No need to stand at attention," sneered Buffy, "The author went for a cuppa ages ago. We don't have to follow a thing she says. Now if you'll excuse me, I have better things to do than kiss my step-sister."

And Draco cried, for he had missed seeing his girlfriend being seduced by a lesbian.

**

* * *

A/N 2: I thought people would be happy I was back...no one seems to want to review...should I end this? Should I shoot myself? Tell me what to do. **

**Game: **Pick your favourite chapter, tell me why you like it. This isn't so much a game as a way for me to see how I _should _be writing.


	10. SuddenlyNormalcy in Waking!

**Chapter Nine**

In Which We Finally Return to Some Semblance of Normalcy

Hermione woke up with a :pop: of her long, curvy eyelashes. What kind of a dream was that? She didn't have a sister, and even if she did, she would _never _dye her hair _auburn. _Gross!

She yawned and flopped out of bed in a white Victoria Secret lingerie piece and shook her blonde, smooth, sleek head. It was the second day of school…aaaah…school… how did she love it? So much. So very much, in fact, that she decided to take a shower in honour of the occasion.

Here it should be noted that Hermione: Blonde Bimbo Extraordinaire, was still very much unnerved by her dream, and that Incident and Explanation (neither of whom were dead) had not yet had the opportunity to explain to her the ramblings of her dream, and its Freudian causes. So it should come as no surprise that, despite the steam pouring out from under the door, and the fragrance of soap, hair gel, and cologne seeping into the air, and the bass singing coming from inside the large, tiled bathroom, Hermione somehow "accidentally" came to walk in on Draco Malfoy in the shower while simultaneously applying hair gel and singing to the whingey lyrics of Good Charlotte who he had somehow acquired knowledge of through osmosis.

"AAAH!" Screamed Draco in Soprano five-year-old-girl Voce, "AAAH! I'm nekked!"

Hermione simply batted her long, mascara-ed lashes. "Oh Drakey-poo!" She cooed breathlessly, "I had no idea you were so…_gifted._"

"Get out!"

Hermione pouted. "Fine." And she left the bathroom. All of a sudden, she was overcome with embarrassment! Although she had _just _been ogling Malfoy's Fruit-of-the-Looms, she was suddenly blushing! But she liked it! Teenage angst and confusion ensued—did she find Draco's manliness attractive!

Only one way to find out…

* * *

"oh damien…" Harry moaned in anguish, "why wont you wear the purple leather pants and the rainbow belt? are you ashamed of me?"

"What? Oh…no…Harry…of course not…"

"because if you are its not that surprising. nobody likes me."

"Umh…yes they do…I-I like you…"

Harry frowned—he could not have his lover liking him! Where would be the poetry in that? His lover was threatening to take a very vital part of his angst from him!

"then why wont you wear the purple leather pants and the rainbow belt?"

"Because, then I would look like an idiot. Can we go, please? We're going to miss breakfast!...Oh no, don't cry!"

"im not crying my brain is leaking and making my eyeliner run."

Harry was very proud of his new eyeliner. It was not at all waterproof, so it ran at 10 humidity. His life was so woeful!

"Har—Honey? Can we _please _go to breakfast? I don't want people to think I am anorexic!" Damien huffed effeminately, flipping his cropped hair and drooping his right hand.

"yeah okay fine. no one likes me anyway it doesnt matter what my lover wears." _Anorexia…_Harry mused…_yes! That would make him different!_

* * *

"Oh Ron…"

"Oh Lavender…"

"Whatever brought us together?"

"The author feels a need to pair everyone up, and since Hermione, Malfoy, and Harry are all taken, and there are obviously no other girls in the school who are pretty and not in some way tied to Harry, here we are."

"Ohhhh….you put it so _romantically!"_

"Thank you, m'dear, now if you'll give it two tics, I've got a plan."

_ One…Two…_

"Oh _Ron! _Yes, baby! Just like that! That's how I like it! Oh God that's so _hot!_"

"Told you I make the best damn tea in the country!"

Ginny burst into tears, "When will Harry ever make _me _tea!"

**

* * *

A/N:**

This tactic is known as the "**Cop Out**": the author gets so bored with story line, or has no idea where it's going, and so they make it into a "dream" sequence without warning. Fun, innit? And slightly confusing.

At least now we can get on with the story.


	11. Radical Changes, yo, and Evie

**A/N: **Back for a limited time only...moi!

**Disclaimer: **Nothing interesting is mine. Credit for any and all smut goes to Alfonso Cuaron. Alfie: your perversion inspires me to new heights of debauchery!

**

* * *

**

**Yikes.**

* * *

Harry cheerfully frowned and refused to eat.

Who could ever ignore him now? He was the boy who lived! And all Boys-Who-Live need _breakfast. _People would be swarming all over him with worry in a matter of minutes.

"Harry, aren't you going to eat your eggs?"

Yes! His first worry-wart. Harry sullenly cheered. It was only his lover, but it was a start.

"im fat and im not eating and you cant make me so stop trying."

"Okay, if you're sure you're not hungry."

"you cant make me."

"_Okay. _But it's only the second day of school. You'll need your strength."

"**stop trying to make me im anorexic ok? just leave me alone you cant make me eat!**"

Harry sobbingly ran out of the room with his eye-liner flowing unperturbedly. _horrible,_ he thought to himself with pride. He had managed to yell in small letters! Boo for him!

He sat sullenly in his best black shirt, black pants with heavy silver chains, and eyeliner, and waited for someone to come after him.

…

* * *

Hermione cheerfully bounced down the stairs to the Great Hall.

She couldn't wait to tell Harry and Ron how gifted Malfoy was!

Suddenly, Harry barreled past her in all black, sobbing, and got eyeliner all over her pink, midriff-baring, cleavage showing, tube top.

_Gah-ROSS! _

She looked furtively around, making sure no one else was near her, and waved a manicured hand at her ruined top.

Poof! The stain disappeared. For you see, Hermione was _special._

She reached the Great Hall in a flurry of pink and blue jeans and plopped down next Ginny, who was crying.

"Oh my _God_, Ginny it was horrible! I walked in on Draco in the shower and boy was he gifted! I mean…naked! My poor, virgin eyes!"

Ginny merely sobbed. "When will Harry _ever _make me tea! I just want Harry to love me! Oh woe! Oh sorrow!"

Hermione pouted. What was wrong with this girl? Couldn't she ever just come out a SAY her problems, so they could get on to something more important? Namely, her? Some people were so self-centered!

"Ginny, listen to me. I accidentally walked in on Draco twice this morning. He's very gifted, and I am horrified. So horrified, I think I need to see it up close. Comfort me!"

Ginny ran away, crying.

* * *

"Ron?"

"Yes, Lavvy-poo?"

"I'm pregnant."

"…crap."

* * *

Harry gloomily wandered into his room.

This Goth thing isn't working out, he reflected, maybe it was time for a change.

A _radical _change.

* * *

Draco paced his and Hermione's common room in standard TorturedHero!Draco manner. He had called Hermione five minutes ago…where was she? Was she with another boy! The terror! The fear! The intense jealousy that tore at his insides and ripped at his test—

"Draco!" Cried Hermione, "Gifted Room-mate! How are you?"

"Hermione," said Draco, sitting upon the couch and pulling her into his lap, "there is something important we must discuss. It's…it's hard to…"

"Oh, _it's _hard too!"

"Sorry, flashlight. Look, we need to seriously discuss the rug."

"I'm sorry, I'm not wearing a toupee."

Somewhere, Groucho Marx rolled over in his grave.

"Hermione, have you yet had time to fully consider the Persian rug by the fire place?"

"No, but we can examine it closely together, if you'd like."

There followed a period of examination.

"Did you see the coffee stain?"

"Yes," replied Hermione, straightening her bra, "But why would Dumbledore have put a Persian rug with a coffee stain in the room?"

"Her name," said a slow voice from the door, "is Evie."

* * *

-snip snip snip-

* * *

"Why won't Harry love me?"

"Well, maybe you don't have enough in common."

Ginny sighed, "But we were _made _for each other!"

Damien rubbed her back, "Well, unless you have a penis tucked away down there, you're out of luck. Unfortunately for you, Harry is gayer than a George Michael duet with Elton John."

Realization dawned on Ginny, "Oh of course! I know! I need to have more in _common _with him!...Damien…"

"Yeah?"

-\->-SNOG SNOG SNOG- -/-

* * *

"Who are you?"

"You once knew me as Angst!Harry, now you can call me H-dawg, yo."

…

"Wut up dawgie-dawgette?"

"…I be preggers, yo."

"No shizzle up the hizzle!"

* * *

**A/N: **Once again, I apologize... 


End file.
